[Cerridwen]

An Introduction to avoiding Mary Sue (Sarcasm intended for humor as it is written from Cerridwen’s point of view.)

Who is Mary Sue, you ask? Pull up a chair, I’ll tell you.

Mary Sue is the name given to people who are annoyingly perfect. Her male counterpart is often called Gary Stu. Both Mary and Gary are incredibly annoying. Role players can pick them out easily. Fan fiction and Role play Mary are different in many ways. Obviously one can’t write themselves into every RP character’s plot and solve all of their problems. At this moment, I’m picturing a fourteen year old girl somewhere who is sighing and clutching her laptop to her chest after she finishes writing a Harry Potter fic where she soothed Harry after Ginny died in the Battle of Hogwarts. In this story Draco withered away to nothing and all of the Death Eaters were set on the straight and narrow after she had one talk with Voldemort before his death.

Insert dramatic sigh ---> here. Yeah.


Signs of a Sue

Mary and Gary are boring to read, one dimensional characters that usually are perfect in every way.

• Shyness is not a flaw. It may seem cute and coy, but it’s not.
• Temper is not a flaw. Being feisty is just being bitchy. It doesn’t make the character appear tough. It just makes them look like a bitch and let’s face it – that’s my job.
• Dark and tragic past? Oh come on. Everyone has a hard past. It’s called life.
• Most Mary and Gary characters are based incredibly closely to the real life and even name of the person playing them. The author pours everything he or she wishes that he or she was into the character, making them annoyingly perfect people who have never had a blemish or farted in public. Or never fart at all. (imagines bodily explosion BOOM)
• Perfect singing voice or musical skill with little or no practice ever? There’s only one kind of Prodigy around here.
• Unnatural hair or eye color from birth – no it’s my natural hair/eye color. I don’t use charms on it… WTF! Rp learning those charms and dye that hair! Geesh!
• Rapunzel hair – never been cut, never breaks, usually blond but not always. The real part of the story, Merlin told me the other day. Rapunzel never got rescued because her hair crushed Prince Charming when she threw it down. Thought I’d pass that along.
• Built like a brick shi- er…. Perfect body. Model tall and waif-er thin? Breasts that defy gravity yet they’re very large? If height and cup size are given, expect it to defy the laws of gravity. Enormous knockers are never a burden to this Mary Sue.
• Copy Cat Sue – The exact replica of a canon character with a different name.
• She’s a fulfiller of a prophecy or is destined for something specific and random
• She’s a Princess or He’s a Prince – or other nobility. This isn’t quite so bad if it’s explained and totally fictional, but if you’re a descendent of Elizabeth Bathory or some living royalty, consider coming up with a fictional family in the Wizarding world. People now days do have titles like Duke, Earl, Baron and other things. Bonus Sue points given if she/he didn’t know it till they were in their teens or just before Hogwarts and it makes them reel with the surprise.
• Beautiful/Handsome – more so than anyone else. No one is going to pick an ugly character. No one wants to be ugly. And well, let’s face it, Hollywood isn’t known for faces that will make dogs run into the fire hydrant.
• Has an unusual name – Faery, Jennifyr, Viquetoria or a superbly strange name
• Can do wandless magic – not happening. Get over it.
• Eyes change color with mood – Yeah, because mine are green and purple right now because I’m happy!
• Person is punk/goth/emo at 11
• Person is sexually desirable at 11 – where’s the spoon? It’s gag me time!
• Angst! Oh the ANGST! – She/he spends all their time crying over something dark and tragic in their past. Every thread this person is full of tears and woe.
• Is stronger than anyone and everyone, even Hermione, in their first year.
• Their Daddy/Mummy/Uncle/Auntie/Grandma/Long lost fourth cousin thrice removed… taught them more magic than Salazar ever knew before they started school.
• A borderline one here – half human. If rped properly, can be believable. But any self-respecting Half-Veela will rp it realistically, kind of like Fleur was played out.
• Japanese names for people not Japanese in anyway.
• Japanese names for Japanese people with the over use of otaku, kawaii, or any other word found a lot in Anime
• Large amounts of time devoted to physical description of clothing. Everyone needs to know what we’re wearing from time to time but if each article gets more than one sentence… just STFU.
• Everyone hates her because she’s: Beautiful, smarter than everyone else, the best person in his or her position on the Quidditch team,





How can you avoid being a Mary Sue/Gary Stu?

Make your characters human! We all have emotions, embarrassments, do something stupid from time to time. If your character never walks into a wall or trips up a step, then they’re not human.

[Miles Wyndham]

Don't forget the invincible Sue and Stu. The characters who somehow survive an accident or an attack that would obviously kill anyone.

[Pamela Marnic]

Mary Sue Stuman Goes to Hogwarts!

Mary Sue Stuman awoke from a her slumber and looked around her dark, dank little cell of a bedroom. She sighed heavily as she always did when she got up in the mornings, thinking about how far her family had fallen. Who would know by looking at her pitiful home that she was a descendant of the mighty Godric Gryffindor?

“MARY SUE!” her auntie bellowed from the next room. “GET IN HERE AND MAKE MY BREAKFAST!”

She sighed again. Time to get dressed. She stood from her bare mattress on the floor and went to her closet. She pulled out her favorite pants. They were black and had a fierce-looking red dragon on the right leg and it was designed so that it seemed as if the dragon were breathing fire at her hip. Then she found a black tank-top with sleeves made of a red, sheer material and tugged it snugly over her large breasts. She would have to slip out as soon as her auntie was drunk and passed out or else she would miss the train to go to school for her very first year of Hogwarts!

She had her supplies all ready - in her trunk, which she had shrunk down the night before to fit in her pocket so that her auntie wouldn’t know that she was leaving for the whole year. If auntie found out, Mary Sue might have to fight her, and as bad as her auntie treated her, Mary Sue was a kind girl and did not want to hurt the older witch.

But she wasn’t finished getting dressed yet. She hurried to her mirror and brushed out her long purple hair. She wished she knew what kind of magic had made her be born with purple hair, but she liked it. And her white and eyes too. It was weird how her pupils seemed to hover in the middle of her eyes all on their own, but if one looked very closely, they could see the two different shades of white that separated her irises from the rest of her eyeball. She twisted her hair up in a pretty twist and pulled a few straight strands down to frame her face. When she was satisfied, she pulled on her knee-high black boots and stood back to admire her reflection in the mirror. Perfect.

Mary Sue grabbed her shrunken chest and stuffed it in the pocket of her pants and then hung her favorite necklace - dog tags - around her neck. She had to hurry now. Auntie was starting to scream for her again.

She quickly fixed her auntie a wonderful breakfast of bacon, eggs, French toast, orange juice (fresh squeezed), and coffee and took only a granola bar for herself. She had to hide the granola bar, though. Auntie would be mad if she found out Mary Sue was stealing food for herself again. With a sweet smile, she presented the tray of food to her auntie in the parlor where the old woman was using magic to knit herself a blanket.

“Took you long enough!” she snapped. “You didn’t make enough food, though. What have I told you about starving your poor old auntie, you wretched little beast?”

“I’m sorry, Auntie,” Mary Sue said, trying to look crestfallen. This was all part of her plan. “We’re low on food in the kitchen. I was hoping to go buy some groceries for you today.”

“You want to spend more of my money?” her auntie glared at her. “Didn’t you just buy groceries?”

“That was two weeks ago, Auntie. I know how much you hate it when the bread gets stale, so I didn’t buy as much.”

“You should have foreseen that!” her auntie scolded her harshly.

“Yes, auntie. I’m sorry. I’ll buy enough today, if you’ll let me go.”

“Go now!” her auntie yelled. “And don’t come back until you’ve gotten all I need!”

“Yes, auntie,” Mary Sue promised, but she wouldn’t go shopping at all. She’s already been with the grocery money from two weeks ago - to Diagon Alley for her school supplies. Mary Sue was very smart. But she was very brave, hardworking, and cunning, too. She couldn’t wait to see what House she’d wind up in!

She hurried outside and Disapparated, reappearing on Platform 9 & ¾. She boarded the train just as two red-haired boys were helping a black haired boy onto the train with his trunk. One of them accidentally backed into her and made her fall.

“OW!” she yelped, and the two boys turned to see who they’d hurt and she saw that they were twins.

“Sorry!” they said at the same time and helped her up. The black-haired boy scrambled over his trunk to see if she were hurt, too.

“It’s my fault,” the black haired boy said. “They were helping me. You’re not hurt are you?”

“Just my toe and my ego,” Mary Sue laughed. “By the way, I’m Mary Sue Stuman.”

“We’re Fred and George Weasley,” one of the twins said as he helped her up.

“And I’m Harry Potter.”

“What?!?!” the twins said in unison.

“Wow! We didn’t realize you were… y’know, YOU!”

The black haired boy looked uncomfortable, so Mary Sue took over. “Stop it, you guys!” she said. “He’s going to have enough people staring at him when they hear. And we’re probably the first people he’s met since he got back to the Wizarding world. We need to get into a compartment and settle in. We can get to know each other there.”

“Right then,” said the twins and they did as she said. Before long, the twin’s little brother Ron joined them too and Mary Sue noticed, as the trained moved along, that the boys kept looking over at her and then looking away quickly. She assumed it was because of her hair and eyes and didn’t say anything. She was a little exotic, after all.

The train ride was pleasant and soon they were all talking together about themselves. Everyone was sorry to hear about Harry’s Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin, and Mary Sue nodded, understanding. “That sounds a lot like my auntie.” she told them. “She never lets me have much, either. But I fooled her today! She thinks I went to buy food. She thinks I’m a Squib because I’ve always been careful not to do magic in front of her. It makes it easier to do whatever I want because she doesn’t know that she should try to stop me from doing certain stuff.”

“Wow,” the Weasleys all said, looking amazed.

Before long they were all at Hogwarts, waiting to be Sorted. Mary Sue stood next to Harry and tried not to bounce too much. That wouldn’t look proper. Especially for a descendant of Gryffindor. There was a rather cute blonde boy with two large friends looking very haughty and their eyes met for a moment. Then the boy saw Harry beside her and sneered a bit. Then he started talking about the “right sort” of Wizarding family and Mary Sue frowned. He was too cute to act like such a jerk.

Then the Sorting began. Mary Sue was excited about this part. Harry went to Gryffindor and there was an uproar of excitement from that table and Mary Sue wondered if she’d end up there just because Gryffindor was her ancestor. Then, finally, it got down to the letter “S” and she moved to the stool when her name was called and put on the hat.

“What in the world?” the hat murmured in her ear. “However shall I sort you? You fit all the houses equally…. Hmmm…. I suppose in this instance, the bloodline with have to speak for itself. Gryffindor!”

And Mary Sue happily ran to her House Table.

~ * ~

Okay, that’s it… That’s all I can stomach to write! Those of you who know me know that this is a joke…. But if I keep going, I’m either going to die laughing or puke.

The song HERE inspired me to do a gag story, but…. Yeah… I don’t think I have to explain…

Maybe I can finish the joke later, but I doubt it. You all get the idea....